*BarbWire Heart*

Well actually it’s how I’ve been feeling lately. About da whole bf thing. I’m just expressing myself I guess u can say. I need 2 do it once in a while or it will just get me more frustrated n down. Thanx Maria ur a big help all of u guyz r. I love u guyz n do u know y? b/c u guys r da best thing dat has happened 2 me. I never thought of being able 2 open up 2 u guyz after I had met u. I’ve had other friends n known them longer than u guyz but I guess u guyz have sumthing dat made me trust u guyz. :)

Am I worth crying 4? I hate it b/c ur trying hard 2 make up 4 da past. But da past just comes back n haunts me n dats when my insecurity starts taking over me. U created a wound dat will never close instead u just create more. Don’t come back 2 me w/ ur confidence b/c I’ll turn ur confidence in2 insecurity. U betrayed me. I cried my eyes were puffy n red. It hurt so bad. Sumtimes I question whether it hurt u seeing me hurt or just pitied me. Ur not da only 1 out there. I believed u when u said u loved me but u just made me live in a fantasy. How do u expect me 2 trust u after all da hurt u made me pass through. I hope u don’t do it again. It will hurt but not as much as b4. Mayb b/c deep inside me I know dat u will do it again. I don’t hope 4 myself I hope 4 u b/c I will get back up n just walk away 4rm u don’t expect me 2 turn around n run straight back 2 u n say “Don’t worry we can work it out” b/c I won’t u’ve changed me, made me stronger. U made me create a wall between u n I. I don’t want 2 get hurt again n feel so vulnerable. I hate how I feel but I can’t just walk away 4rm my feelings. It’s hard 2 open up again while knowing dat I will get hurt again. Sumtimes I feel like disappearing but I don’t want 2 runaway n hurt ur feelings like u did 2 me. I know how it feels but somtimes I want 2 b heartless so I wouldn’t know wat pain feels like but then I wouldn’t b who I am rite now. I wouldn’t have bcome stronger. I wouldn’t have grown up n realize dat I was just living fantasy dat u created. I don’t wish there was a time machine b/c it made me c da real world. Who u really were n who I can be!

I had a weird dream! Smurfs, trolls, and I believe Giants were there 2. There was a Hott!! vampire. The smurfs were dead I’m guessing they were vampires or y else would I want 2 bite my hand n give them blood? I couldn’t bite my hand so the vampire which was my bf in there bit my hand but when he did it he was annoyed b/c he didn’t want 2 bite me. He did it but was mad b/c I asked him 2 do it. I’m guessing we were fighting EVIL n we were GOOD? weird but yeah we fought n we won n n n… haha we left there was a big gap 2 get 2 da exit n then he jumped n took me w/ him n then da exit is an elevator so da doors close n he asks me a ? it was weird but it’s private so dats were my dream finishes so I wake up n I’m like WTF?!?!?!